arranged marriage, will it work?
Do you know someone who has this type of marriage? I guess it depends on the culture, right? Arranged marriages are not really a big part of the Filipino culture, well I guess I can say from the area in the Philippines where I grew up, it’s very rare, but I know for a fact that it happens in the Muslim community still. It’s a big part of their culture and religion. Another popular reason that I’ve seen back in our country is politics. Politicians arrange their kids to marry someone who’s also connected to politics, you know, to widen connections, for a bigger reach, or simply to fix reputations, especially if the politician is a homosexual. This is something I still don’t understand though, are homosexual politicians not as good as the straight ones? I don’t get why a politician has to cover their sexuality. I would rather have an honest homosexual politician than a “family man” who has so many side chicks.
I digress, the reason I am asking about arranged marriages is because I will be attending a wedding at the end of the year for one of my newest friends, and it’s an arranged marriage.
Before I say anything more, I just want to put a disclaimer here that this is just my opinion, this is in no way supposed to teach you about arranged marriages. because heck, I don’t even know how it works. Anyway, my friend, let’s just call her Eve, she’s from Pakistan, she’s a very beautiful lady, smart, and independent. Her family moved to Canada I think about 15 years ago? SO basically, she graduated from high school here in Edmonton. You’d think that after all those years, she’d change her views? You know what I mean, right? Like maybe, somehow, her opinion about fixed/arranged marriages changed. So when she first told me about her mom arranging a husband for her, I was very surprised. I just didn’t think that she’d allow something like that. I guess I’m used to the idea of finding your own soulmate. For me, that’s the only acceptable one. But I do get that from their culture, it is not unheard of.
Anyway, I asked her why, when she can find the man himself. Did I tell you she is beautiful and very smart? I was really confused. I asked her, “How are you going to be sure that you’ll like this guy if you don’t even know him? Why are you letting this happen?” You know what her simple, matter of fact answer to me was? I TRUST MY MOM. That was it. Of course, I had to ask a few more question, like “Are you sure your mom knows what you’re looking for? How does she know when she lived in a totally different generation?” My point was, couples are different now. Gone are the days where the women always depend on the husbands. In the past, the biblical verse “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands” where taken to heart. I guess my worry is that they’ll both have different expectations of what a real marriage is, or how husbands and wives are supposed to act, and that eventually, everything will fall apart.
She explained to that she and her mom are very close. Their relationship is different than most mother and daughter tandems. For her, it doesn’t really feel like an arranged marriage, but more so of a best friend setting her up with someone. I guess that’s the mistake of a lot of people when we see or hear something like this, like myself. I was so quick to judge and question their process, but I forgot that an arranged marriage is not just always about culture or religion and that it doesn’t involve feelings. After she explained to me her relationship with her mom, I realized that it actually makes so much sense. Not the political reasoning bullshit, ok? I am talking about the “genuine love of the parents for their children” reasoning for arranged marriages.
Here are some points she told me that convinced me she’s probably doing the right thing:
Nobody is being forced. Yes, arranged marriages still exist, but I guess it’s only ok with me if there is no forcing involved. Like your parents suggesting to find a husband/wife for you, but only if you agree. No forced marriages. No underage, gross crap. My friend wasn't t being forced. She knows it happens it their culture and within her family, but she’s not obligated to follow. She just completely trusts the process.
Relationship of the parents to their children. Sometimes we forget that every the parent-children relationship is different. Like for my friend, her relationship with her mom is great. She respects her mom’s opinions, and like she said, they’re like best friends, so she firmly believes that her mom knows what she’s looking for.
Love always grows. My friend told me that yes, she’s kinda nervous about getting married to someone she doesn’t know, but at the same time, excited to see what’s in store for both of them. She believes that even if there’s no immediate love in place, that it’ll come eventually. I asked her how she knows. She said that it’s because that’s what she saw in her parents. If you look at her parents now you’d think that they’re childhood sweethearts. They’re the sweetest, loving, couple you’ll ever meet. But they were also arranged. She told me her mom met her dad on the day of the wedding, and like what my friend is doing now, her mom also trusted her grandma to choose the perfect husband. And her grandma gave her dad to them. She told me that her mom was so nervous too, at the beginning, but her dad was such a good person, very caring, loving and perfect ,that her mom didn’t have a problem falling in love with him right away. That’s what my friend is hoping for.
Love is about taking risks. Nothing is set in stone when it comes to love. It’s different for everyone, it keeps changing, it’s always something new. That is why we always hear the phrase, “Life is short, take a chance”. When you go into a relationship with someone, there’s always a risk involved because you don’t know what’s going to happen. I told my friend, “ What if years go by, and you still haven’t fallen in love?” Her answer was, “Then I guess I made the wrong decision”, and she laughed. I found it amusing and so honest. AND also so TRUE. Getting married always involve risks. You may know husband for a long, long time and you’ll still discover new things that you may or may not love about him. It doesn’t matter how long, or short you’ve known each other, there will always be something new.
After talking to my friend for a long time about her situation, I did understand. I really did. It made so much sense to me. Her mom is so lucky to have her as a daughter and I know for a fact that her husband is going to be a very lucky guy. Sometimes we get caught up in our own world, our own lives, that we judge the ones that don’t follow the same ideas. I’m glad she made me understand.
I can’t wait to attend their wedding soon!
